The highest stressor that a person will ever experience, according to The Holmes-Rahe Stress Scale, is the death of a spouse. The second most stressful event a person could experience may feel just like the death of a spouse; it’s when your spouse tells you that they want to leave you.

It’s heartbreaking. It shatters the entirety of what you once knew. What you thought was going to be forever is now just a distant dream that slowly fades away – to be lost in a sea of despair. What’s the come of the future?

While we may not be able to answer that question for you and we encourage you to be strong and cry if you need to in order to get the emotions out of your system so they don’t weigh upon your soul, we can help you on the financial side of the scenario.

So many people who go through divorce end up needing so much additional help to get through the basic tasks that once brought joy to their lives. The things that sparked interest may now be filled with gloom. And while a life apart from the person you made vows to may not seem like what was in store for your future, there can be hope on the other side.

Divorce Is Beyond Difficult – And the Process Takes Way Longer Than One Would Expect

Imagine you were in a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend. You broke up. You two could go on your merry way and restart your life. Divorce isn’t anything like that. In fact, because the courts and the government become involved in the process, it becomes so much more drawn out than that. 

When you married your spouse, you two were entered into a court record as a family. And when it comes time to go through a divorce, a court needs to see through the separation of that family. 

The sad part of the situation is that two people just can’t walk away to start their lives over. They have to wait for how a court interacts with their situation, by going over various sections of their lives, from assets, to children and to what each of the parties earns. 

Usually, before a third party gets involved, two parties tend to walk away without thinking about the finances. Yet, when a party brings in an attorney, it seems that the situations change gravely. Instead of focusing on starting a fresh life, the discussion and arguments over money, children and what each party owns becomes topics of discussion.

Regardless of whether or not you or your soon to be former spouse has an attorney, the court will want documents. These range from financials, pay stubs, investment account statements – nothing’s off limits. The court has to thoroughly do its due diligence on both sides to ensure that the split is fair and that both parties are taken care of.

When it comes to the courts, they do not see the separation as one spouse leaving another to start over. They see the situation in a more sterile outlook, as merely the division of assets. Who gets the house (if there is one that is involved) who gets the kids and when do they get to see them, and will someone be paying alimony or child support? 

Before any of these topics are even considered, we have to determine whether or not we will be okay if we walk away. Are we really going to be able to support ourselves on our own? 

How to Determine Whether or Not You Are Going to Be Able to Handle the Financial Strain of Being Single Again

Let’s say you’re an executive of a company and your spouse is too. When you split, chances are, not much is going to change in regard to finance. On the contrary, if one of the parties has spent the past few years being a stay-at-home parent, that could completely disrupt one’s life. 

Will the stay-at-home parent be able to find a job? Would that job pay them enough to pay for rent in an apartment complex, or would they be able to move back in with their parents? What is the earning potential of the stay-at-home parent in comparison to the breadwinner? 

In the majority of divorces, these issues tend to be easy to address, and usually the involvement of attorneys ends up changing the discussion from, “How do we leave each other’s lives?” to “Who gets what?”

Even without an attorney, a court will ultimately grant someone who is a stay-at-home parent either alimony or childcare of some sort, along with a division of assets. 

The realistic situation here is to determine that there will be enough money at the end of the month to continue living and surviving, without falling into debt. For the person who may not be working, or may have a pay gap of 40% or more compared to their spouse, they may need to consider working with a financial advisor to help them budget out what the rest of their lives are going to look like and how to plan accordingly.

It gets even more difficult when you consider assets. Some people own a home – and they purchased it together. Sometimes, that home has equity. Other times, that home has emotional sentiment as it could be where their family was raised for generations. These are usually the types of situations where an attorney could be helpful, as the court may force both parties into selling the property and splitting the difference. In some instances, the home may also be upside down, where a sale may not even be an effective course of action, as more is owed to the house than it is worth.

When we think about these situations, it makes sense for a regular person to consider going out there and getting an attorney. However, most people overlook the fact that a divorce attorney could cost anywhere from $495 an hour to upwards of $800 an hour. A simple text conversation where one is venting to their attorney about how much their soon-to-be former spouse is stressing them out could end up becoming a hefty bill.

Most people overlook financial advisors in these types of situations, yet when we consider the key moments in one's life where a financial advisor is absolutely necessary, it is when a major life event happens. 

These events could include when someone:

• Gets married
• Has a baby
• Gets a large promotion
• Starts a business
• Becomes unemployed or laid off
• Or… gets divorced

Who Gets What and Why? 

Nowadays, the pay gap between men and women has shrunk immensely. Many women are landing executive roles and some men are becoming stay at home parents. The classic gender divide where the man was the head of the household has been slowly seeing its demise. 

Most married couples who are together often do find that their incomes are in line with what the other person is earning, and that their investment accounts perform the same. Some married couples keep their assets separated, whereas if a divorce were to happen, then their finances wouldn’t be affected as much. While on the other hand, some married couples do move their finances together. If you are an amicable couple who can split up evenly, then really think twice about hiring an attorney, as just going to the courthouse and filing paperwork will come out to an insurmountable amount of savings compared to the tens of thousands, to upwards of six figures that it could cost for both parties to hire divorce attorneys.

Instead of looking at the divorce attorney, if the two of you can’t come to an agreement on terms on your own as emotions are too high and the situation is too much to handle, another option to consider could be a mediator. 

This is what the key areas the courts look at when it comes to getting a divorce, however:

The Division of Debt and Assets

If one party went out on a spending spree and got caught up in a lot of debt while the other party is debt free, it might be an awkward situation because the court can grant half of the debt over to the debt free party. Hopefully your divorce doesn’t look like this.

If you have $100,000 in your 401k and your spouse has $100,000 in their 401k, there probably won’t be a split of assets. If you have slightly more or less, the paperwork involved in the split may be too tedious as well, and the split might not even occur. 

The division of assets is usually something that affects the wealthy. It’s mostly for couples who have five vacation homes and three cars. The people who tend to fall in these categories usually see a lot of what they earned going to the other party.

For the regular person, the biggest obstacle is the house, if there is one that is owned. On the contrary, if the other party does have an attorney, they might try to nitpick you for everything you have, and make an itemized list of each piece of furniture, clothing, jewelry and so forth that they want to take half of. Hopefully your former spouse is reasonable and wasn’t brought into the wildly unattainable expectations set forth by a hungry divorce attorney who is just trying to rack up their billable hours.

If assets are going to be of concern, then considering a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) to help you go through the process may be worthwhile.  

Who Gets the Children – and Will Child Support Be Involved?

Usually the biggest topic that is of concern in a divorce is children, and who will have custody over them. While we are unable to provide advice on how to navigate this particular situation with the courts, we would like to implore both of you to consider the long-term plan of raising your children. If you were savvy enough to set up a 529 College Savings Plan for your children, you may both want to consider how each of you will continue to contribute to that. If you do not have a 529 College Savings Plan for your child already, this may be something to consider, alongside the help of a financial advisor.

The cost of tuition at colleges and universities has increased exponentially, and making sure that your children are taken care of beyond the process of the divorce is essential. Setting your children up with a college fund is going to help them significantly move further in life, as one in seven Americans currently has student loan debt. The collective student loan debt currently stands at around $1.75 trillion in the United States.  

Will There Be Any Alimony Being Issued Out?

As long as there is not a huge pay gap between spouses, then alimony tends to be out of the question. In most states, if you are married for under five years, then you may not even qualify for alimony. In the instance where alimony may be issued, if you are the issuing party, you may want to consider talking to a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst to plan your new budget accordingly. Paying alimony could put a strain on one’s finances, so having the help of a professional to budget out the situation would be essential.

The Real Struggles that People Face When Going Through a Divorce

In households with a single income earner, it tends to be nearly impossible for a spouse to leave. Many people also stick around in an unhappy marriage because they don’t know what to do about their pet. For too many people, divorce is more than just breaking free from a marriage; it’s a point where they start over in life.

For former spouses who may have spent their time at home with the kids, getting back into the workforce may be extremely difficult. Figuring out how much one would need to earn to get to a comfortable place on their own can be extremely exhausting as well. 

When it comes to starting over, very few people know where to step – and are quite cautious as they’re afraid the ground can just fall out from below them. Having a support group is essential when it comes to the emotional side, but for the financial side, so many new equations come into play.

Questions that may arise range all the way from:

• Will I be able to afford rent on my own?
• Will I be able to feed myself and/or my children?
• Will I be able to have the household necessities that one needs to maintain a stable quality of life?
• Will I have to move back in with my parents or with the next person I date?
• How many times will I be stuck in a cycle like this if I don’t get the foundation of my finances in order?

These are usually the questions that arise in the here and now, but what most people often overlook are the questions later down the line, which can range from:

• Will I ever be able to afford what I once dreamed of having?
• What happened to my retirement plans? Will they ever occur?
• How am I going to be okay financially at the tail end of my life if I don’t recover my finances?
• And more…

These questions can cause a lot of stress and can potentially even immobilize someone who is going through the divorce process. As debilitating as the situation is, it’s important to seek out help from as many sources as possible.

We mentioned a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst earlier, but what are they and what do they actually do?

What Is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst?

A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, is a professional who works with spouses who are going through a divorce and any other applicable parties in that process.

Financial advisors who have the CDFA designation usually meet these criteria. They have:

• A bachelor’s degree
• Three years of work experience in financial planning or family law practice
• A passing grade on the CDFA exam

The learning objectives of the CDFA exam cover not only divorce law and its procedures but also separate vs. marital property, retirement plans and pensions, dividing a family home, child support and alimony, tax issues, and debt.

Certified Divorce Financial Analysts, specifically go through special training to help their clients navigate the financial impact of divorce and its long-term ramifications.

What Certified Divorce Financial Analysts Do

Certified Divorce Financial Analysts perform a variety of tasks that involve investments, retirement accounts, assets, healthcare coverage and life insurance, child support, alimony, property and tax. The most important thing that a CFDA does, however, is to create post-divorce financial goals and methods to achieve them.

A financial advisor helps drown out the emotional turmoil from a divorce so you can have a clearer financial outline of what life will look like post-marriage.

Restructuring Your Life After a Divorce

If you’re currently in the process of getting a divorce, you are probably aware of just how backed up the courts are. What you may have thought to be an ordeal that would take a year may have already cost you two to four years of your life. If you’re beyond this process, then it’s time to work on recovery. If you’re about to get a divorce, do keep in mind that this process may take a lot longer than you may have originally anticipated. 

The difficulty of the matter of these situations is almost every single interaction with the courts is heartbreaking and could leave you feeling immobilized from the emotional pain that rips through your heart. 

Get into a supportive environment as soon as you can. It can be tough because your friends may think you can get over this situation quickly, but since the courts are backed up with delays, the process may seem to never end. For your single friends, they may have extreme difficulty grasping this concept when you share your woes with them. Ask them for your patience and try to work through your emotions with them.

Beyond a supportive environment, it’s generally a good idea to have someone who you can talk to about these matters. Therapists may not have been something you’ve considered in the past, but just having an ear that can listen to your woes can help you immensely in the emotional healing process of the journey.

For the financial side of recovery, if you’re able to get a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst to help you through the process and recovery from being divorced, that is great. If not, here are some tips that you can do on your own.  

Create a New Budget

Divorce brings a fresh start to both parties. As lifestyle changes occur, both parties need to identify what their costs are and to try to stick to a budget.

If you have access to Microsoft Excel or to Excel on Google Docs, you can make a simple spreadsheet. 

At the top of the spreadsheet, put how much money you have coming in every month. If you aren’t working, leave that blank for now.

You will then want to start listing off your expenses. 

Some common recurring expenses that one could incur usually are as follows:

• Rent
• Phone
• Utilities (electricity, water and gas [some companies combine the three, while others may separate them)
• Internet
• Car Payment
• Car Insurance
• Gas
• Food
• Dental Insurance
• Health Insurance
• Vision Insurance
• Life Insurance
• Long Term Care Insurance
• Digital Subscriptions (Hulu, Disney+, Netflix, Spotify, etc.)
• Pet food and supplies
• Haircuts, manicures, beauty supplies and so forth.
• Shopping 
• Entertainment
• 401k contributions
• Investments made with a financial advisor

When putting your budget together, you also need to consider the amortized cost over the year for additional expenses that occur. For example, if you were to go to the dentist twice a year and the bill came out to $300 on the first visit and $150 on the second, you would calculate that $450 as a $37.50 expense each month throughout the year, as the balance would be saved and carried over for when the dental cleanings or cavity feelings are necessary. You should also consider putting a line item in your budget for automotive maintenance, repairs, doctor visits, prescriptions, birthday and holiday gifts, and anything else you may end up purchasing throughout the year. 

You will want to make sure that what you are earning is able to cover all of these potential expenses. If not, you may need to consider downsizing in specific areas. If you aren’t working, you may want to seek out employment that will be able to cover these priorities. 

Being divorced may make you not want to talk to your former spouse anymore, but it is important to consider that from a financial standpoint, maybe staying on a family plan and splitting expenses for utilities such as the telephone or digital subscriptions could help ease expenses on both ends.

Take Some Time to Reflect

So many people want to encourage people who ended up in divorces to take control of their life and start creating new goals. Usually, a person is burnt out and at their wits end at the tail-end of this process and have little encouragement or strength to navigate what they want for themselves. In this time, contrary to popular belief, you may want to consider reflecting back on where you were in your life and where you are now. It may be disheartening at first, but you can come to terms with the new life you were given. 

Take things one step at a time and as you will slowly begin to feel like yourself again. The more time you spend with friends, the better. The more supportive environments you are in, the better. Each small maneuver will help you drastically in the recovery of the person you once were, so you can go back to living the life that you once had – filled with love and vitality. That person is still within you, it just needs to be drawn out with reflection and taking baby steps to recovery.

Rely on the Advice of Experts

Many people tend to want to take charge of their life when they are in their younger years, but there comes a time when control just needs to be released. Putting portions of your life into the hands of subject-matter experts is going to create a world of a difference when it comes to recovering who you are. 

Since it takes so much time to go out there and recover one’s life after divorce, the process of investing or planning for the future can seem minuscule in comparison to how hard it is to just get through another day. Make sure you lean on your relationships and spend the majority of your free time healing and recovering who you are at the core. Your soul needs it. 

Taking Things Day by Day

So many people think that divorce is the end of one’s life. While it can feel like that, there are also stories that divorcees have shared of meeting another spouse in the future that was so much more wonderful than their last. Just because this family is becoming a part of the past, it doesn’t mean that you won’t start another one. 

As hard as it may be, stay hopeful. Stay strong. Stay true to who you are. Your light will reach the heart of another one day and who knows. Maybe all your dreams will come true. But before that happens, make sure that you’re set financially with the help of an advisor, so there are no unexpected turns the next time around. If you need help finding a financial advisor, please use our search tool at AdvisorCheck Search. If you would like to continue expanding your financial literacy and take control of your finances, become a free AdvisorCheck member.

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Written by Leonard Kim

Reviewed by KJ Kim

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