Many people who are dating or become a couple might not bring up the topic of money until much later in the relationship. But how much later do they begin discussing money?

Love is blind, or so they say. What this means is likely to change depending on who you ask, and for some it might not mean anything at all. What love should never be, however, is stupid, or apathetic.

As much as we love the stories of startling romance, falling backwards into heart-buoying affection, practical love is also immensely valuable (for many, it’s even preferable). What this means is that while you may enjoy the emotional highs of passion (and we hope you do, they’re wonderful), no serious relationship can be sustained with emotions and idealism alone. If you want to go the distance with someone, a time will come when you need to sit down and hash out some of the less fluttery details of life.

Income, budgets, financial goals, dreams for the future, debts, spending behaviors you know you have but don’t like to talk about…at some point it must all be laid on the table. The question now is what does that look like? When should it happen, and how do you approach a potentially sensitive subject? What sort of societal expectations might you run into, and how can you push through them in order to find a bright future on the other side.

This Is Why It’s Important to Discuss Money in a Relationship

While it might come off too strong to bring up the financial side of your lives on the first date, you absolutely will want to make it a priority before too long. One of the leading causes of break up between long-term partners (especially if married and/or sharing a household) is a lack of alignment on how they believe money should be handled.

Even more than that, a break up will usually emerge when the couple can’t properly talk about the differences in that alignment. Unless handled calmly, patiently, and openly, discussions about money can quickly spiral into caustic, vindictive shout fests about abusing credit, ignoring debt, and egregious spending behaviors like impulse purchases or making huge buys without consulting their partner first. This latter point can be acceptable, but only if you’re on the same page about it to begin with. If you share a combined bank account and are trying to save up money for a home, nuking those efforts by purchasing a Playstation 5 is not acting in an earnest or financially responsible manner.

Let’s talk about numbers.

According to a comprehensive analysis of over 115 studies by Wilkinson & Finkbeiner, we are privy to several incredible pieces of information regarding the relationship between finances and relationship permanence.

Here’s what they had to say:

• An annual income in surplus of $50,000 decreases the risk of divorce up to a possible 30 percent, versus anyone with an income below $25,000.
• The feeling that one’s spouse spent money in a poor manner, or in a way contradictory to the couple’s goals, increased chances of divorce by 45 percent.
• Couples who argue over money at least once a week stand at 30 percent higher chance of ending in divorce.
• Couples with no assets at the start of a three-year-period are 70 percent more likely to divorce by the end of that period than other couples possessing $10,000 or more in assets.

But it doesn’t even need to be all about divorce or mismanagement of income. Western & Southern Financial Group conducted a survey about the major monetary factors that they found led to break-ups between partners, and they covered a lot of territory, but we’d like to cover a couple highlights.

Apparently over 63 percent of Americans (all the way from Gen Z to Baby Boomers) have never discussed debt with their spouse. This is pretty damning information, considering how credit card debt is one of the heaviest concerns and most common deal breakers, especially amongst millennials.

On the subject of debt, let’s not forget student loans! Have you ever wondered what most people consider to be too much student loan debt for dating? The science is in, and apparantly it’s $28,000, which is tragically exactly how much the average debt-carrier owes. Regardless, across the surveyed generations, student loans weren’t the most crippling blow to anyone. Baby Boomers and Gen Xers were most adverse to existing personal loans in their romantic prospects, while Millennials struggled to see credit card debt as an acceptable status quo, and Generation Z set the bar the highest, turning down anyone who proved they were financially illiterate, in any way.

Who Pays on the First Date?

While the modern world has made many progressive moves towards a more egalitarian split of financial expectations among romantic couples, the matter of who pays that first bill is still a highly contested discourse. Generally speaking, in a man and woman pairing, the man is still expected to pay for the first date. However, as women have continued to flourish in the workforce and it’s become more feasible for other combinations of romantic partners to date openly, we’ve seen that classic expectation start to crack. Often, you’ll find people splitting the tab on the first couple of dates, or paying for themselves. This seems to work out well enough for the early stages of the relationship, before anyone has committed to anything. Doing this ensures there’s not an imbalance of expectations put on any one party.

Ultimately, you need to feel it out and make your best guess as to what the right move is on the first date. It’s not a perfect science, but if you’d rather be prudent to save a few bucks, few would blame you.

And we figure it doesn’t need to be said, but on the first date, you generally want to avoid talking about the crunchy subjects, like how much you’ve stashed away in your 401K or how you’re still paying off the loan for that graduate program. Generally.

So…When Does The Talk Happen?

The money talk, of course. What else would we mean?

Depending on which experts you ask, the window in which you should “get serious” about your finances with your partner varies greatly. It could be after one month, such as seen by the couple in this CNBC article, maybe six months, or just “within the first two years,” (we do not recommend waiting two years).

The truth of it is…it depends on you and your partner. There is no exactness involved in this timeline, but a good rule of thumb is that you talk money earlier rather than later, especially if you know or suspect that you’re going to be covering the lion’s share of the expenses. However, as a matter of moral integrity, it’s also on you to disclose whether or not you have $90,000 in debt before too long, otherwise you risk wasting their time if that’s a dealbreaker. Hiding it from them longer than necessary is dishonest. Even if you hide your debt until the last minute from your partner and they decide to move forward and marry you due to love anyway, they may end up thinking it was a mistake. 

Our recommendation is to hash out debts, loans, incomes, and financial plans around the 2-3 month mark. If you’re comfortable jumping in earlier, go for it. If 3 is just a little too early, that’s fine too, but don’t push it. At some point, it just feels like someone is dodging something, and that’s not the right foot you want to lead off when cultivating health, trust, and honesty with your partner.

You need to get on the same page when it comes to money pretty quickly, however, especially if you plan to end up marrying the love of your life. Otherwise, you could be entering into a marriage that tends to have a lot of friction.

“In my experience, much of the friction within a household regarding family finances is usually created due to a lack of communication, or agreement on financial goals,” says Amy Sabin, managing director and partner at Steward Partners Global Advisory. “If a couple cannot agree on what their shared financial goals are, then it is very difficult for one spouse to understand why the other is behaving in the manner in which they are. With shared and agreed upon goals, it allows the couple to have clarity into the actions that they need to take, thus eliminating the friction caused by spending habits.” 

What Am I Supposed to Say?

Well, we can’t hold your hand and guide your conversation word-by-word, but we do have some major subjects you absolutely should cover, courtesy of Ellevest.

#1 How Do You Feel About Your Finances Right Now?

Pull off the bandages. If there’s any debt for either of you, now’s the time to label it. You should each tell you not only how much debt you have, but what types of debts those are, as well. What are the interest rates associated with each of them? How are each of you working to pay your respective debts off? Have there been any obstacles? What were they?

Now is also your opportunity to talk about emergency funds and credit scores, and how both could be improved. This is your time to talk about anything and everything, and if they want to ask you questions about your money life, be receptive. Don’t be dodgy or insecure. Tell it straight.

Otherwise you’re just wasting both of your time.

#2 How Do You Approach Spending Money?

Be very practical. This is about the in’s and out’s of your everyday expenses and spending behaviors, and chances are at this point in the relationship, you already know some of what to expect in this conversation.

• What do each of you believe are worth dropping cash on versus saving up?
• Do you have a solid grasp of your money in versus money out ratio?
• How on top of your budget are you? Meticulous, or casual?

#3 What Are Your Short-Term Financial Plans?

A short-term financial plan is specifically referring to your next 1-2 years. Your answers are likely going to address some of the stuff we’ve talked about up until now. Do you want to have that debt paid off? Perform a career overhaul? Start (or continue) saving for retirement? Begin cultivating a savings account? Build an emergency fund?

How about this one? Put those debts in the ground where they belong. This one is always good, because the feeling of knowing you’re 100 percent debt free is immensely liberating. Even if you don’t have much money to your name, starting from zero is massively preferable to starting from -$40,000.

#4 What Are Your Long-Term Financial Plans?

On the subject of plans, of course you want to cast your vision even further into the future beyond the initial two year window. Allow yourself to be ambitious, dare we say, even a bit ridiculous. Where do you want to be in a few years? WHO do you want to be in a few years?

Do you want to have a home in 5-10 years? What do you want it to look or be like? Where is it? Maybe you want to own a camper and do regular road trips during the summer to national parks? Do you want to go back to school, and to what end? How will this affect your family plans?

There is (almost) nothing too absurd. This is a time for dreaming. Then talk about what you’re doing to turn those dreams into reality. If you are unsure about how to turn these dreams into reality, get a financial advisor to help draw out your goals for you with their financial plan that you two can execute upon. 

It’s important to always leave some wiggle room. Fate favors the prepared, and you’ll go much longer with a plan than you will by winging it, but life can also hit you with things out of left field that nobody can adequately prepare for. Create a plan of attack, but be merciful to yourself and leave some breathing room, too.

Do your dreams for the future align with or compliment one another?

Our Money Together

If the relationship is going steady and you’ve decided to combine your income, living arrangement, or budgets, what should you do next?

Naturally questions will emerge about how to handle the expenses of living together. How do you decide your budget for a marriage ceremony? How much should you drop on engagement rings? When you move into a home together, will you bring your current furniture or buy new?

“My ex and I had a wedding for $2,000-3,000. I told her I was going to get us Walmart rings, but she bought Cartier ones instead and went $5,000 into debt for that. I thought we were on the same page about how she would live at my place with my mom for a while, but she insisted we would move, get our own place, and fill it with new furniture instead of using any furniture I had already. That was maybe $10k in furniture debt and then a new $2,300 rent for us to cover on top of the rent I was already paying for at my place, because I still had to house my mom.” - Leonard Kim of AdvisorCheck

Not being on the same page (and more importantly, not being willing to compromise) can land all involved parties in serious financial hurt, which is why one of your first priorities should be to create a combined budget and stick to it. A budget will look different between people depending on needs and priorities, but should generally include cost of housing, your monthly grocery bill, insurance costs, debt repayments, subscriptions and memberships (either broken out into individual entries, or considered as a total sum), a month’s worth of gas for all your vehicles, among other things.

Putting together all of that can be difficult without some support from someone with experience making budgets. It’s here that inquiring couples would benefit from a financial advisor, who serves the role of something akin to a ‘money therapist,’ working with each couple to help them figure out their money expectations together.

Where To Turn When You Need A Helping Hand

We respect any couple who is willing to be vulnerable and take the plunge into the financial matters of their lives. We get it, you can unearth some sensitive material, and it’s not always pleasant, especially if it forces you to face a past mistake. But it’s also something you owe to yourself and to your partner to follow through with.

If you’ve hit this point, first of all, thank you for reading, we hope it’s offered some insight. But we also know that finances can be a difficult beast to rein in, and sometimes you don’t always know the next best step to take towards financial health, either for yourself or you and your partner. If you’d like the guidance of a professional who has their thumb on the pulse of financial practices and has fine-tuned their brain to absorb all the money wisdom it can carry, then you need a financial advisor in your life.

From retirement plans, to debt management agendas, to a live guide for how you should talk to your significant other about money, a financial advisor can show you how to reach your financial goals.

If you think a financial advisor could be the boon you need, utilize our search tool to fast track the process of finding the expert who will help you obtain your peak financial health. Make sure to get a free AdvisorCheck membership so you can keep up to date with all of our resources to improve your financial health and have immediate access to your financial advisor's information.

Thank you for doing the responsible thing of trying to make yourself more financially aware. I’m sure your romantic prospects or significant other appreciate the desire you’ve exhibited to grow. 

You can do this, we believe in you.

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Written by Cooper Barham

Fact checked by Billy Quirk

Reviewed by KJ Kim

Disclosure

The information provided in this article was written by the research and analysis team at AdvisorCheck.com to help all consumers in their financial journeys, by providing the resources and the insights to help improve one’s financial health, make it through recessionary and inflationary periods of time, and save their earnings to use them towards building a secure financial future. 

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